


are there still beautiful things?

by sugdensrobert



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, Post-Prison Robert, Slight angst but mostly fluff, mentions of robert adjusting to normal life, mentions of robert's mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:28:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25505926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugdensrobert/pseuds/sugdensrobert
Summary: robert goes on a walk and reflects on life and all its changes since he got out of prisonor, robert listens to taylor swift's new album.
Relationships: Aaron Dingle/Robert Sugden
Comments: 6
Kudos: 45





	are there still beautiful things?

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is in line with the universe of a hundred mini dreams but you don't have to be familiar with that- this is just a stand alone one shot.  
> in this universe robert was only in prison for about seven months.
> 
> i hope you enjoy x

He’s wide awake and opening all the apps on his phone- looking for a distraction. As he opens spotify he’s met with a surprise. He’s confused for a minute because he knows Taylor Swift brought an album out only about a year ago- it brings back memories, thinking about the time when he tortuously counted down the days till his freedom would be taken away.

He suddenly feels trapped and the idea of going on a walk while listening to new music is very appealing. It’s not early but not late either and he decides against just leaving his husband a note-knowing that it would just leave Aaron feeling concerned - or even worse- his husband wouldn’t see the note at first.

“Aaron? Aaron, I’m going for a walk. I’ll be back soon.” Robert whispers, prodding his husband’s shoulder.

Aaron looks utterly confused as he blinks himself awake “what?” he stammers as he searches Robert’s face.

“Just going for a walk.” Robert repeats and Aaron looks put out. “Now?”

“Yeah. Just go back to sleep. I just need- I just really want to go out.”

“Alone? Because I can be ready in five seconds if you’d stop talking.” Robert’s not sure whether the younger man is really upset with him but he can understand what Aaron’s thinking- that Robert doesn’t want him to come along.

“I’ll be fine- I’m just going to clear my head. Go back to sleep yeah?” Aaron still looks slightly offended but his face relaxes a bit. “If it takes too long I’ll be texting and calling ya.” Robert smirks at him “you do that.” He says as he presses a kiss to the younger man’s forehead and then his nose.

  
  


He finds himself in the woods- knows that he can be alone out here. Walking round the village would have just resulted in bumping into everyone and everything and that was what he wanted to avoid. It feels open and free and at the same time it doesn’t- the trees and the footpath clearly leading him to where it is he can go. He puts in his earphones and grabs his phone- searching for the album before choosing to click on the shuffle option.

As he listens to _the 1_ he thinks of Aaron and how well it reflects everything he felt when he was inside. When he still believed they were over forever, that he might never get to see him again.

 _I’m doing good, I’m on some new shit._ He might not use the word _good_ for his own state just yet but he knows he’s getting there, with Aaron by his side.

 _But we were something, don’t you think so._ It’s what he told himself almost every night inside while tears were tracking down his face as he stared at the pictures on his wall. It helped- thinking that they really had been something- the real thing- that everything had been worth it even if it had fallen apart. _Him and Aaron._

_Exile_ makes him feel breathless. He suddenly feels lonely and wishes Aaron had gone with him on his walk. The song has an overwhelming sadness to it.

_I think I’ve seen this film before_

_And I didn’t like the ending  
I'm not your problem anymore_

_I never learned to read your mind (never learned to read my mind)_ _  
I couldn't turn things around (you never turned things around)  
'Cause you never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs)_

He suddenly gets that all too familiar feeling of being trapped again but he tries to ignore it- inhales the fresh air- something that never fails to remind him that he really is free- he’s out.

The song makes him feel even more determined to not take anything for granted ever again- to make sure he doesn’t fuck things up again. He should still be in there, _locked up_ , surrounded by constant noise and fear but instead he’s here, walking in the woods not far from the house he built for his husband and family- a place he gets to call home once again. He won’t waste this second chance.

He finds that the album fits well into the life he’s leading right now. It’s calming Robert thinks, the sound of it making him want to curl up on the couch, the feeling of safety that comes with it covering him like a blanket.

As the next song starts playing, Robert looks on his phone to read the title. _Illicit affairs._ That word will probably always make him gulp, make his heart stop. The lyrics wash over him.

_Make sure nobody sees you leave_

_Hood over your head, keep your eyes down_ _  
  
_

_What started in beautiful rooms_

_Ends with meetings in parking lots_

_And that’s the thing about illicit affairs_

_And clandestine meetings and longing stares_

_It’s born from just one single glance_

_But it it dies and it dies and it dies_

_A million little times_

Robert thinks about how lucky he and Aaron were _and_ are. Considering their history, after all that they have been through together, they still get to be happy now, together. He remembers Aaron filling him in on Jamie and Belle’s affair. He thinks they’ve broken up again but he can’t be sure- he’s too caught up in his own life and troubles to be dealing with anyone else’s at the moment but he does know that he and Aaron were lucky. Or really, he knows he was lucky because if Aaron hadn’t given him another chance back then he wouldn’t have this life now.

 _You taught me a secret language I can't speak with anyone else_ _  
And you know damn well  
For you, I would ruin myself  
A million little times_

He’s once again thinking about Aaron as he listens to the next song that comes on. Robert looks down to see it’s called _peace._ But the song also makes him think of every other person that loves him.

_All these people think love’s for show_

_But I would die for you in secret_

_And you know that I’d swing with you for the fences_

_Sit with you in the trenches_

_Give you my wild, give you a child_

_I’d give you my sunshine, give you my best_

_But the rain is always gonna come if you’re standing with me_

He knows it’s always scared Aaron- knowing the things Robert would do for him, for the people he loves. He almost grins even though it’s not funny. Does it still scare Aaron? Even now, when he’s just gotten out of prison for protecting his sister. Not that he’s planning on ever going back there but he does know there are certain things about himself he might not ever be able to change. The overwhelming need to protect people he loves being one of them.

His therapist has made him see just how much feeling useful to the people he loves means to him. She asked him whether he really believed that people only liked him if he was of use to them. He wasn’t sure at the time. Now he’s decided that he knows that that isn’t the case, Aaron and Vic having told him enough times that they love him, just for him. But sometimes he can still hear the voice in his head telling him that just his existence isn’t enough, that he needs to prove himself.

What Robert wants most of all is to make Aaron happy. His husband tells him practically every day that he does but often it’s still hard for Robert to believe that. He’s not the same as he was even a year ago.

He sees a therapist once a week now and he takes pills, quite a lot of them- each one of them serving a different purpose. Those are just a few examples of things that Robert would have never associated with himself just a year ago. Not that they wouldn’t have been useful to him then (something that his therapist pointed out to him) but it’s this and more that makes Robert feel different which in turns makes him feel worried that other people will see him differently too.

_(You’re not the same Robert, but that’s okay. It’s only understandable after everything you’ve been through)._ He can’t quite remember whether it was Aaron or his therapist that had said this- it was probably both of them, multiple times.

_I’ve been having a hard time adjusting_

Robert frowns as he hears the lyrics, the line describing literally _all_ he feels. His phone shows him that the song’s called _this is me trying._ It reminds him of the many conversations he’s had with his husband recently.

_(Robert, you’re trying. Nobody expects you to suddenly be okay again. You’re allowed to feel whatever you feel. And you can tell me about it alright? I’m here, I want to help ya. Please let me help ya)._

He’s always been trying. Trying to be better for Aaron, for Seb, for himself. When he told Aaron this his husband replied that he should be trying just for himself now.

They went from Robert trying to change for Aaron when they had just become boyfriends to Aaron telling him that he knew exactly what he was getting himself into.

( _I know exactly who you are-_ Aaron had told him that again, just recently. _And I’m going to be here every step of the way yeah? You take your time getting the help you need, adjusting to normal life again. And we’ll get there. You don’t have to change for me or keep things bottled up because you don’t want to upset me. And Seb? Robert he loves ya. This is forever now yeah? You won’t lose us again, you’ll be here to experience it all. You’re an amazing dad to Seb, you always have been. Just try looking after yourself now, you deserve it._ Aaron was still constantly worried about Robert suffering more seizures, Robert couldn’t blame him).

 _I didn't know if you'd care if I came back_ _  
I have a lot of regrets about that_

Robert remembers thinking this and not much else as he sat in the bus back to Emmerdale, imagining ringing the doorbell of the mill.

The look on Aaron’s face when he had voiced the concerns he had felt, the way tears pooled in the younger man’s eyes. The upset he had caused his husband by telling him he travelled all the way back to Emmerdale on his own, that he wasn’t sure if anyone wanted to know that he was getting out because after all he was the one who’d cut everyone off.

 _So I got wasted like all my potential. And my words shoot to kill when i'm mad_

_I have a lot of regrets about that_

He’s back to thinking about his previous therapy sessions, the worksheets his therapist had given him to work on at home. The way Aaron refuses to leave him alone downstairs when he’s finally in the mindset to work on them, the way Aaron sips his tea as he watches him carefully for any signs of sadness or discomfort, the way Aaron forces Robert to sip his own tea.

There are many more of these sessions and quiet nights to come but Robert’s okay with that.

—

He comes home to his whole family being in the kitchen. His husband in holding Seb, whispering something in his ear. He’s smiling with bright eyes as the little boy starts giggling. Liv is slouched on the couch and is the first one to notice him as he quietly makes his way into the flat.

“Good walk?” She asks as Aaron whips around to look at him, Robert can practically feel the way he’s checking him over.

“You alright?” he asks and Robert nods quickly at the both of them before answering them properly. “Yes, I am. It’s nice out.” He walks into the kitchen, wanting to get close to his husband and son. Seb is still looking sleepy and Robert smiles. “Morning sleepyhead.” He kisses the little boy’s forehead before doing the same to Aaron.

“You sure you’re alright?” Aaron can’t help but ask.

“I promise.”

“You were gone quite a long time.” And Robert frowns before realising he must have been out for a while considering he went all the way to the woods _and_ listened to a whole album.

“Went to the woods.” He says as he watches how Aaron’s still looking concerned.

“Trying to get away from everyone?” He doesn’t sound angry, more curious and still a bit anxious.

“No, well not like that.”

“Trying to clear your head.” Aaron fills in and Robert nods.

“Did it work?”

“Yeah I feel good.” Aaron brightens at that, kisses at his cheek before letting Seb go, making a show of grunting “you’re getting heavy little man.” Seb just looks at him with a confused expression before getting closer to Robert. “Daddy” he says, looking up at him and Robert laughs, picking him up. The little boy has been quite clingy ever since he started staying at the Mill again (once Robert felt sure that he wouldn’t be breaking down in front of the little boy at any given time). Robert had felt guilty about Seb’s clingy behaviour until Aaron had cottoned on and told him that he had nothing to feel guilty about. Now he just tries to enjoy it- knowing how lucky he is to get to see Seb grow up and that he should relish in his clinginess before he's all grown up.

His thoughts are interrupted when Liv suddenly pipes up “of course he was away for a while- the album has like 16 songs.” And Aaron frowns before realising what she is on about.

“You’re the one who told me he was going to listen to Taylor’s new album.” Liv says upon seeing her brother’s confused expression.

“I’ll just leave you two to discuss all that.” Aaron laughs before turning round again to look at Robert “are you hungry?” He asks.

“Uh yeah.” He answers suddenly realising that he’s starving.

“Good. Fry up it is then.”

Before Robert can say something else Liv is asking what he thinks of the album.

“I like it, different than her last one but then again that’s quite fitting ain’t it? Things are different compared to last year.” At that Aaron is whipping around again giving him a concerned glance but Robert just smiles at him, a genuine one, one that seems to reassure him.

Liv nods, looking deep in thought. “Yeah.” She agrees “I like the vibe of it. Also fitting that you went all the way to the woods to listen to it.” And Robert nods before smirking at another one of his husband’s confused looks.

_—_

“Put one on then.” Aaron says and Robert gives him a questioning look.

It’s after tea and the both of them are clearing up in the kitchen, Seb quietly drawing at the kitchen table- Liv having retreated upstairs for the night.

“One of her new songs. Taylor Swift.” Aaron clarifies and Robert smirks “you’re a fan now are ya?”

“Er no- but I seem to remember you made me listen to her whole album last year so I actually know more than you think. Wanna hear that vibe Liv is on about.”

Robert laughs at his husband, shaking his head. “If I remember correctly, you _wanted_ to listen to it.”

“Maybe.”

Robert can see the way his husband’s expression drops and it’s not hard for him to guess what he’s thinking about. It’s still hard to think about their lives this time last year. He remembers listening to _lover_ and relishing in the fact that listening to music was something he could still do freely- knowing what was to come.

Once again, the feeling of luck is overwhelming to him. _He should still be locked up_.

Suddenly he feels Aaron squeezing his arm. “You okay?”

“Yeah.” Robert says, quickly squeezing his husband’s hand in turn before taking out his phone.

“This is a nice one. Calming.” He says as he puts on _cardigan._

_And when I felt like I was an old cardigan_

_Under someone’s bed_

_You put me on and said I was your favourite_

Right on cue, Aaron frowns at the lyrics and Robert can’t help but laugh. Seb is watching the both of them, he has clearly stopped working on his masterpiece to listen to the song, a serious look on his face.

“It’s quite nice I guess.” Aaron suddenly says. “Bit sad though ain’t it?”

“Yeah I suppose it is a little. ” Robert agrees.

“Kinda makes me wanna dance.” Robert says, nodding his head along with the music. It’s a realisation that makes him feel _good_ because it’s a sign of progress- him having the urge to do something that brings him joy, something that he’s always loved. Aaron looks touched as well, clearly having the same realisation before smirking “you’re on your own on that one.”

“Not sure about that.” Robert smiles because Seb is still looking between them both, a toothy grin on his face. “You want to dance mate?” Robert asks him as he’s opening his arms. Seb jumps of the chair and walks towards his dad, Robert scooting him up within seconds.

The both of them swing in time with the music, Aaron looking at them fondly- not being able to resist moving his head along in time with their swinging.

When the song is over, Seb is hardly able to keep his eyes open and Robert presses a kiss on the boy’s cheek, holding his face there.

“He’s ready for bed ain’t he?” Aaron whispers as he comes closer and Robert smiles, nodding. “Let’s go.” Robert says, gesturing that they both tuck him in.

After they have both peppered Seb with kisses they stand just outside his bedroom door.

“You seemed happy today. Bright.” Aaron whispers, watching Robert’s reaction. “Not that you haven’t been like that before but- I don’t know.” Robert grabs his hand “I know what you mean. It was a good day.” He says.

“Good.” Aaron says, moving to slide his arms around Robert and pressing his face in Robert’s neck. “I’d like to hear the whole album.” He mumbles and Robert lets out a laugh.

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

Robert kisses at his husband’s hair before reaching for his hand again to tug him towards their bedroom.

Once they are all ready for bed they both crawl under the duvet, getting comfortable. Robert has his head on the younger man’s chest as he presses play on his phone.

He closes his eyes as he buries his face into Aaron’s chest even more. He knows they’re going to fall asleep like this- he doesn’t mind at all.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! 🌼🍃


End file.
